Game Of Thrones Review: The Spoils of War

REVIEW: 'SPOILS OF WAR' WAS A  DAMN DRAGON APPRECIATION EPISODE.

   By Robert Schools 

Take a moment to guess what the season's four -- I'LL WAIT😊  5, 4, 3, 2 nahhh (you here already so we might as we'll do it for you!).
Ice meets fire, our sweet sweet affair of bastard and  Targaryen fire breathing (commanding whatever the normanecleture) royalty.
From episode 3, Jon and Ser Davos have managed to not die after meeting with Daenerys stormborn's eager-to-die assorted team of "Unsullied Dathraki" warriors at dragons bay.
We saw Queen Cercei's revenge, Sam's still doing Maester stuff and we still wonder why the hound -- Bloody Straighfaced Clegane-- isn't getting any screen time. Our caveman romance fantasy between my low-key favorites Tormund and Brienne of Tarth hasn't even seen light. Missandei's gorgeous body managed to make it on the episode (thank the lord of light for that). Gladly we were spared the terrible terrible graphic rendition of what a naked greyworm's greyworm would look like in HD. Arya's wolf is having a mood swing -- do we care? Not yet at least. Lord Varys is still bald, the red lady hasn't left and Well that's all the important stuff.

Before forging ahead, courtesy or whatever demands that i warn against spoilers just in case you haven't seen the latest #GOT episode (what rock have you been hiding under). So anyways....SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Okay...Spoils of war in two words, OH BOY!😅😅
I'd skip everything unrelated to the battle but that would be cruel, and we at ScreenEspy would like to think ourselves pleasant people, unlike some people with dragons flying about "Dracarys-ing" the shit out of battles, like GTA cheat codes. So let's quickly run through the other less interesting plot points so we can quickly get to the part with the dragons (because lets face it, that was the best part)  
Man, oh boy.

Arya returns to Winterfell

Even though Arya was told by everyone's favorite cook, Hot pie that Jon Snow was now King in the North and that she could now return home to Winterfell, it took her such admittedly long time to get there (2 whole episodes😔). She finally makes it back home to Winterfell this week and was greeted with hostility by the guards at the gate who didn't know her (almost everyone who does is dead at this point). Anyways, she's finally let in and reunites with Sansa in a particularly heart warming scene (when compared to Bran's cold "Hello Sansa") and even goes on to spar and and hold her own with Lady Brienne. This week we got to see Arya through the eyes of Sansa who laughed when her little sister spoke of her list of the names of people she wanted to kill but was also shocked when Brandon spoke of the same list when they (Arya and Sansa) both went out to greet him. Sansa's woes were even more compounded when she watched the aforementioned sparring between Arya and Brienne and witnessed her little sister hold her own against the huge Lady Brienne (asif having Bran being the three eyed raven isn't enough now Arya is a damn ninja-samurai hybrid whatever).

Jon cannot shut-up about the Night King 

Last we saw Jon in the previous episode, he had been giving permission to mine the mountain of dragon glass underneath Dragon-Stone ( dragon stone, dragon glass..of course😉). This week Jon leads Daenerys and Missandei into the caves underneath Dragon-Stone and shows them the massive deposit of dragon glass available for mining but then, he leads her further inside the caves (alone) and then they have a moment (at least we thought it was a moment) only for Jon to start yapping about the damn Night King. To his defense though the Night King is terrible and everyone should be terrified but still, enough bro!!. Oh!! and Jon has an uncomfortable reunion with Theon who makes it to the shores of Dragon Stone to elicit the help of the Queen to free his captured sister and defeat Euron.

Is Tyrion second-guessing Daenerys?

After seeing his plans fail one after another and their allies either captured or killed, Tyrion last week was accused by Daenerys of perhaps not really wanting to hurt his family. Tyrion sported an uneasy look on his face as Daenerys went about atop Drogon who readily let out rains of fire at those damn unfortunate Lannister soldiers at the whispering of the ever so sweet "Dracarys" by Daenerys. Perhaps Tyrion saw flashes of the infamous Mad King in his daughter's decision to scorch those (again unfortunate) Lannister soldiers and is beginning to wonder if she might end up being as mad and dangerous as her father and if he's standing by the right ruler.

And now for The Battle!!!

Say his name out loud child

Okay, shout out the biggestest utility player in the whole of westoros, Ser Bron of the motherfucking* black waters! (he's even cooler than his name sounds *smirk*)

Okay again, where do I start!
Picture Genesis verse one, where God is Daenerys Stormborn on a dragon hovering upon the waters, but then switch up, the waters here are Lannister Lobsters lol, banner men. The dragons bannered the fuck out of each one of them. Crispy lobsters, no no, grilled Lannisters.

What thy fuck

At first I thought, the nerve of that Jaime, sitting pretty on a horse like a westoros polo club ad campaign. What will he do without our ever-available, every-useful Ser Bron of the Blackwaters (say his name in full every time). He was that important. Like the omnipresent Jiji ad on your Android phones and stuff.
Daenerys surprisingly surprised the poop out of me, with that "lookey here, it's dracarys up in this mother - - and swoosh, BBQ".
Dothrakis doing what Dothrakis do, Dothrakying curved blades into bellies casually like another day in the Dothraki office. (we miss and love you Ser Drogo of the Horse waters). Make a better title please.

Okay, the third time. There's smoke everywhere, people are dying and stuff *insert blood bath emoji here*. Like waking up, and checking the "die later today after raiding high garden with the squad" on your to do list. The Dothraki army got you on that one.
Tyrion is on the hill, I don't understand, the Khal is teasing.

We get a view of what it would feel like to fly a dragon and burn people up, because -- uh we are having a bad day, and arsene is therapeutic, namsaying? 
We'll fast forward for you, because --why not. Ser Bron mans the "Dragon Arrow head Rocket launcher shooter machine missile" (still working on a proper name). Daenrys flying in the air, Dathraki doing butcher stuff on land. Ser Bron fires and misses the Mrs, he fires again in the nick of time, in the middle of one of the most important Dracarys of the entire battle and nails it.
Dragon down.
End.
You wish! Daenerys steps off her high horse or dragon as the case is,  trying to take the spear out, "I just need a minute to take this spear out of my flying beast baby, I can't believe you guys would do this".
Ser Jamie seizes the moment to grab the dying bull by the balls, as he races with his spear towards the unsuspecting Daenerys.
The dragon Drogon ominously turns and serves him up another belch of fire, and we get a supermanish Ser Bron diving in to save Jaime again in the nick of time.
Alright the end.
 Catch us again next week😉